From: Anonymous ()
Date: Monday, May 10, 1999 09:50 PM


THIS IS INTERSTELLAR NEWS FOR MAY 10, 2499
"The News with the Pretty Pictures"


FAMINE BATTLES GRIND TO HALT AS SERVER HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

FAMINE: Fighting has been reduced to hand-to-hand combat as the Intergalactic Server continues to crash in battles with more than several ships. Federal scientist claim that the Intergalactic Server which mediates battles is a pacifist and refuses to process battle damage thus shutting down battle computers aboard warships. Several alliances have suggested storming MANTON PRIME and replacing the Intergalactic Server with a "FURBY".
"At least the Furby works, it has about the same processing power as the server and its kind of cute too", commented one trader.


CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY TO BE MOVED

This pic was lost :(

A LITTLE TOWN CALLED HOPE, ARKANSAS, EARTH: Due to changes in zoning in Hope, AK, the Clinton Presidential Library will be moved by trailer Monday to its new home in Little Rock. The new location is 1/4 mile from the Federal Monica Lewinsky Diary Archive and the Blue Dress Amusement Park.


HALL OF FAME



A new HALL OF FAME being constructed to accommodate WIDOWMAKER'S ego. Bets are now being taken to see if WIDOWMAKER, KILLER KING OF NEWBIE GAMES, will actually "retire" as he has been saying to his admiring flock. ISN consulted our MAGIC 8 BALL to see:

Q: Will WIDOWMAKER actually retire?
A: LOL, Not likely

Q: What will WIDOWMAKER DO?
A: He will most likely proclaim himself a God and remind us of it daily on the web board or will claim that he is back by "popular demand" (i.e. tell us "everyone" wants him back in the game but will not be able to name any of his fans) or create a new character so he can play newbie games again and gloat when he gets some new kills. (p.s. we have a Super Magic 8-Ball).

Q: What does WIDOWMAKER do for a living?
A: Play SPACE MERCHANT, what else?


YOU KNOW YOUR ADDICTED TO SPACE MERCHANT WHEN…

Updated from November 13, 2499 post.

10. You set your alarm for 3 am so you can go to the bank without being killed.
9. Your parents sent you to therapy because you spend too much time on the computer.
8. You have a bumper sticker that reads: MY OTHER SHIP IS A FEDERAL ULTIMATUM.
7. Take Prozac when the Error Storms are really bad.
6. Ever missed work or school to take back a planet TUC took from you.
5. Your Mother gets you out of bed in the morning by screaming, "THE PLANET IS UNDER ATTACK!".
4. You sent a Christmas card to Speef
3. Shareplay payroll depends on how many banners you click each week.
2. You insist that people call you by your trader name.
1. You call Mr. Manton at home when the server is down. (Still #1)


DEAR WINDOWDRESSER

Unfortunately, Spamblade will be unable to answer your questions, so we asked Windowdresser (no relation to Windowmaker) to take his place.

Q: Dear Windowdresser, How many posts does it take so people will hear what I have to say?

Answer #1 - Well, it depends on what the topic is.
Answer #2 - I am the best poster on the web board, but I am not going to tell you.
Answer #3 - Ha Ha Ha
Answer #4 - I hate Armageddon, he posts too much.
Answer #5 - I am sure the Space Marines would like you to think that I post too much, but it is they who are dishonorable.
Answer #6 - What was the question again?


SPACE VOCABULARY

"MIR" - Russian for YUGO


JOKE OF THE DAY

There are 3 types of Space Merchants:
Those who can count
Those who can't


BUT SERIOUSLY…

DOING IT MERCHANT STYLE
After developing a in-game relationship, SPACE MARINES Montana Mike and Catronia, having met in SPACE MERCHANT, have announced that they have met in real life to continue a relationship which is bringing them both much happiness. Catronia (from California, Earth) traveled to meet her love Montana Mike (from, you guessed it, Montana). As far as we know, Catronia and Montana Mike are the first couple to meet in SPACE MERCHANT. Good luck to the two of you!


TODAY'S ISN BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

INSTANT KARMA: "....fast-acting....long-lasting....won't upset your stomach like other Eastern religious concepts..."

DELUSION GENERATOR: "Makes you think that you're a good trader even when you suck".

MICROSOFT-BORG: "Resistance is futile, just ask INTEL".

ALSKANT EXPRESS: "Don't Leave Fed Protection Without It!"



MCDONALD'S: 500 TRILLION SERVED

And



THE MARTAVILLE HILTON


p.s. ELVIS, if you do not like ISN, why are you reading this?